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xSufficientDisasterx
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Country: United States
State: Texas
Metro: San Antonio
Interests: Anything That Has To Do With Weight Loss, Dieting, Exercising, Shopping, Cheerleading, Tennis, Anything Vintage, I Love to Write, and I love my fiancee Michael & Friends, H:5'1" HW: 125 CW:117 GW1: 115 GW2:107 UGW: 102
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/14/2005
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| Well, much has changed since I've been on. I feel terrible because I have allowed myself to escape reality for this long. I feel naive because someone that has established weight issues never loses them. I feel like a silly girl for believing I had gotten rid of the desire to shed the excess fat.
I realize now that I hadn't silenced the monster, merely hushed him.
And now with every breath I take I will allow this disease--this nasty disease to consume me from the inside out. I seek perfection again, for I find that time has not changed my mind-set but instead my body. I weigh approximately 115 lbs. and yet again have set my ultimate goal weight to 102 lbs.
Is it obtainable? Unsure.
My newest plan is to exercise daily--almost CONSTANTLY and restrict my diet. Where before I would run sprints, play tennis, and eat next to nothing daily, now I consume every hour or so and exercise little. In order to reshape my body and soul... I must start today. Looks like its back on the paxil I go in order to surpress feelings of worthlessness and depression.
Wish me luck Ladies... For I have 6 months until my wedding... | | |
| I feel like I want to be a better person-a more sophisticated being, but I just don't know how. Actually- it's not even that, I know exactly what I need to do, I just cant find a way to kick start the cycle. They say it takes 90 days to form a new habit you know to start something and stick with it, but what if you can't make it the 90 days? What if the ninty days is an impossible task, MY unaccomplishable American Dream, what if being a better [for lack of a nicer term] is unobtainable? Man- Graduating was tough, I find myself at an all time low now, with only the world to gain, but noone to share it with. All past relationships have slammed their all too thick doors and I cannot see through the long yet impossible past that I forced myself to trek through and am now left to face a "new-day" As I stand here I am reshaped. I would love nothing less than to be redefined how ever, [no excuse] my past regrets are suffocating me, I cannot move foward, cannot stop BAD nasty habits. I feel as though I am wasting away into an effortless nothing once again, as thoughts fill my head the same feelings run through my veins like poisin ivy, like a stiff burn, a tough nasty itch that you yearn to rid yourself of but cannot find the means to do so. I need help with all that consumes me. Im falling into memories of you, things we used to do, follow me there a beautiful somewhere, A place that I can share with you*** | | |
| So today is the first day of Spring Break and I'm sooo stoked.  First of all I'm going to Texas for like 7 days, and it just plain freaking rocks to have like 9 days off of school. I am honestly so sick of my college classes, I hope my soc. teacher would just die on some days, [not in a rude kinda way] more like I wish she wouldn't show up for class EVER again. Ah, onto the weight issues... I don't know what my freakin' problem is but I can't seem to lose weight, I've been watching what I eat lately, and I've been trying really hard but nothing I do seems to help... And goodness I had hoped I'd be down to like 107 by Spring Break, but unfortunately, I'm at like 113.5... well according to my scale, who knows how accurate it REALLY is it could be even worse. I feel like such a sucky person.... Crash Dieting for the next 4 days until I leave for vaca. <3 to all | | |
| Ah- Good ol' thanksgiving a day of full stomachs and upset minds. Joy. Not. | | |
| Well kids its been over 2 months since ive been back and with every ounce of my heart I've loved every minute of it. Theres absolutely nothing I would rather have in this world than my family. It's almost as if losing part of myself forced me to find pieces that i had tucked away from exruciating pain and hurt. We've started our own life together now and with graduation so close I am not afraid of live on my own. I have found that life after tragedy is hard, but it can only remain that way for so long. Although- I will never forget what I have learnt from this experience and how far I've come, I will learn to push on-to move foward and place all the mistakes in the past. Rather- tuck the negative away instead of holding on to something that ultimately led to depression. With the end of high school comes many things, and all I can see right now hapiness, and the desire to achieve perfection. | | |
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